ELEPHANTISY

And who ever said that being an elephant was dull?

DO YOU CARRY A GUN?

Justine had to get her car through road worthy and since I had nothing exciting to do over lunch I decided to go with her. While I was waiting, I flipped through the testing station's magazine which is published globally and come across an article on one of SA's famous expats, Charlize Theron.

Love this sentence: In Charlize's Theron's South-Africa homeland everyone carried a weapon.

As soon as I am finished reading the rest of this article, I am off to stroke my lion in my back garden - Mart

SEX INSURANCE

Recent studies have shown increasing demand of people not only seeking life insurance, but more specifically Sex-Insurance. The insurance companies have formulated the following options:

Option 1: If you sleep with your spouse only - 1 LIFE DIRECT

Option 2: If you sleep with your wife in your car - AUTO & GENERAL

Option 3: If you sleep with someone else's wife: - MUTUAL & FEDERAL

Option 4: Sleeping with your mother-in-law - OLD MUTUAL

Option 5: If you sleep with a Muslim-girl - SANLAM

Option 6: Sleeping with more than one person at the same time - PRESTASIE MULTIPLEX

Option 7: Taking advantage of the person you sleep with - LIBERTY LIFE

Option 8: Man sleeping with another man - HOLLARD

Option 9: Having sex on the spur of the moment - MOMENTUM

Option 10: Sleeping with your ex-wife - OUTSURANCE

Option 11: Sleeping with a prostitute - BUDGET

Option 12: Having sex with someone you don't even know - DISCOVERY

Option 13: Having sex with a virgin. - 1st for women

ONLY IN BRITAIN

Extracts from letters written to local councils:

• It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
• I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
  
• I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
• Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
  
• I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
• My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
  
• I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  
• 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
  
• I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  
• Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
• 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now
• getting too much for me.
• The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
• Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
  
• I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
  
• Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
  
• I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
  
• This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
• My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
  
• He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

OUCH!

Plasters that say it all...

SAY WHAT?

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• One from me: ”I would if I could, but I can’t so I won’t.”

Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did - Garth

THE SOCIETY'S BEST READ

This is too good not to share - Garth

FAIL

FINAL THOUGHTS

Enjoy your weekend!

HAPPY FRIDAY

SOME ADVICE

SHADOW FUN

TIL DEATH DO US PART

Couldn't stop laughing. Thanks, Jane for this gem - Mart.

GLISTENING IN HEAVEN