ONLY IN BRITAIN

Extracts from letters written to local councils:

• It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
• I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
  
• I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
• Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
  
• I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
• My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
  
• I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  
• 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
  
• I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  
• Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
• 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now
• getting too much for me.
• The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
• Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
  
• I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
  
• Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
  
• I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
  
• This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
• My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
  
• He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.